There are few things more deeply ingrained in the Australian psyche than Aussie rules footy. In Melbourne, when you start a new job, the first question you’re asked after your name is “which footy team do you support?”. How you answer this incredibly important question will either result in instant camaraderie or a very awkward joke about your probation period.
To those of us raised on it, it makes perfect sense. To everyone else, it must look like absolute nonsense.
That’s where Pro Jank Footy comes in. It is simultaneously a celebration of footy culture and a complete mockery of it. And I, for one, love it.
The Beautiful Stupidity of it All
Pro Jank Footy is unapologetically Australian. Or at least a very narrow window into the meat pie-loving, seagull hating, shopping trolley busting corner of Australia that millions happily spend their weekends inhabiting.
The actual game aside, so much of Pro Jank Footy is about showcasing obscure Australianisms and tropes, particularly for millennials who grew up in the 90s. They typically appear through the game’s power-up cards, earned either by collecting meat pies during a match or having goals kicked against you.
They range from the marginally helpful to the completely bizarre. Think a bouncing DVD logo appearing on the screen, seagulls swarming the field, your dad’s old AU falcon stepping in for ruck duties. Or for reasons known only to the developers, the television being switched to HDMI2 half way through a match.
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The variety in cards is wild, ensuring that every single match descends into its own unique brand of chaos sooner or later.
Jank by Name, Jank by Nature
As for the gameplay? Well, you can kick, handball, bump, tackle, switch players, sprint. That’s about it. But there’s also a layer of jank – players drift into strange spaces, kicks rarely go where you’d hoped.
It is clearly intentional. Eventually you stop worrying about controlling outcomes and simply learn to ride the wave of nonsense. Every now and again you find a strange rhythm or a moment of genuine football, but that’s almost always immediately before it all collapsing back into complete mayhem.
Is it polished? Not especially. But, it is almost always fun. And if you find yourself getting frustrated by the jankiness, you’re definitely playing the wrong game.
Broden Kelly Deserves a Brownlow
A huge reason the game works at all is Broden Kelly’s commentary. Broden approaches commentary like a man who’s been locked in a recording booth for 12 hours and has slowly lost touch with reality. Which, by his own account, isn’t far from the truth. He’ll deliver a vaguely football-related observation one moment, then the next he’s shouting “THAT’S HOW I WANT TO BE HUGGED AT NIGHT, I WISH SOMEONE LOVED ME!”
I lost count of the number of times I found myself laughing at the computer screen like an idiot. Anyone who watches Aunty Donna knows Broden’s a funny guy, but Pro Jank Footy gives his particular brand of absurdity the perfect stage.
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Season Mode Will Humble You
Beyond standard (if you can call it that) versus matches, local multiplayer and online play, Pro Jank Footy includes a season mode that serves as the game’s roguelike-inspired progression system. You gradually accumulate power-up cards while facing increasingly tougher match-ups.
Season mode is brutally difficult. Or perhaps I’m just terrible. Probably both. I rarely progressed beyond the second or third match, particularly because the second match has your players shrunk to microscopic proportions. Turns out that directing microscopic footballers around an already chaotic field is actually quite challenging.
Success often feels less dependent on football ability and more dependent on whether you’ve stumbled across the right power-up cards.
Catch the Arcade Cabinet, if You Can
Pro Jank Footy extends beyond PC and consoles, too. I was lucky enough to spend some time with one of two Pro Jank Footy arcade cabinets. They’re both in Melbourne’s inner-north suburbs, so I’m sorry if you live literally anywhere else. But they’re an absolutely charming extension of an already ridiculous concept. I particularly loved the massive button you mash to win the centre bounce.
If you’re lucky enough, checking them out is a must at the Great Northern Hotel in Carlton North, and the Victoria Hotel in Brunswick.
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Should you play Pro Jank Footy?
Pro Jank Footy is anything but a perfect football game. The controls are deliberately janky, the power-ups regularly destroy any semblance of competitive balance, and most matches descend into complete nonsense within minutes.
But it is that jankiness that makes it work — it is literally in the title. Pro Jank Footy understands footy culture better than any licensed sports game could, and it celebrates the chaos and weirdness that makes Aussie Rules so uniquely Australian. It isn’t polished, balanced, or at all serious. And for that, I am very glad.
Quest Daily scores Pro Jank Footy:
8.5/10
Pro Jank Footy is out on Xbox X|S, PlayStation 5 and PC via Steam on 13 August.
A review copy of Pro Jank Footy was supplied to Quest Daily for this review.
